Island Hunting in Lost Wages
by Balin Lord of Moria
Summary: Larry Laffer appears on Island Hunters, a spin-off series of House Hunters, as he and girlfriend Passionate Patti look for the ideal romantic paradise in the Florida Keys. As per the show, they will be shown three islands, and then Larry will decide where he wants to live. I don't own Larry or House/Island Hunters.
1. Intro to Island Hunters

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Leisure Suit Larry_ ; Al Lowe and Sierra Entertainment do. And I don't own _House Hunters_ or its spin-off, _Island Hunters_ , either.

 **A/N:** I'm a novice at understanding real estate, even after watching so many _House Hunters_ , etc. shows over the years, so forgive me if I'm a little rusty at understanding what people look for in a house, or a private island.

* * *

The Florida Keys are one of the most sought after island destinations in the country, and it's here where a lovable loser seeks to find the ultimate private getaway to live his life in happiness and peace, not to mention a discreet love nest for his dates with pretty women.

"Hi! My name is Larry, Larry Laffer," says "Leisure Suit Larry" to the camera.

Together with one of his most beloved and loyal dates, one "Passionate Patti," he is looking to an expert in island real estate to find the perfect getaway retreat for rest, relaxation, and time for true love.

"Hello, I'm 'Passionate Patti,'" said Larry's companion, Patti.

"I've had a lot of girlfriends," said Larry, "but Passionate Patti is the most devoted of them, and I'd love to have a tropical paradise where I can get to know her (and other women) a little better, in privacy. I haven't had a permanent home since I moved out of my parent's basement as a young man, and as much as I love adventure, I need a place where I can settle down with my one true love for good, assuming I ever get a one true love. Right now I 'live' in an apartment with Patti near the Florida Keys, and while it's very pretty, it isn't tropical or romantic."

"You see," said Patti, "Larry thinks that a tropical location on the ocean is the ideal place for a little quiet romance, like a lot of other warm-blooded Americans do, too, and he says that the Florida Keys remind him of the awesome appearance of islands like Hawaii and Tahiti, not to mention some of the out-of-this-world islands he's had adventures on." She smiled at Larry.

"Yeah, it's so much better to fall in love on a tropical island than it is to do it in a dirty city like Lost Wages," said Larry. "I'm looking for a home on an island because I love the beach, and an enclosed island offers a lot of desired privacy with the ladies. No neighbors can easily disrupt our tender time together." He grinned.

"It won't be easy, taking a break from our wacky adventures," said Patti, "But Larry feels that the time has come for him to settle down for a while, with a place to bring his girlfriends, and he'll stop at nothing to see that happen."

We have paired up Larry and Patti with Chris, an island realtor who is very familiar with island property. Chris knows many islands in and around the Florida Keys with beautiful beaches, good houses, and lovely, green plants that can entrance any ocean lover. But Chris also knows that island getaways are harder to come by than regular houses, not to mention more expensive most of the time, and he has to let Larry know what sort of compromises he might have to make in order to choose the ideal island. And Larry has very particular tastes for his personal paradise, too.

"So," said Chris, "What's on your wish list?"

"I'd love to have an island with a big, open beach, to begin with," said Larry, "as well as a large or fair-sized deck to sun myself on with the ladies. That's definitely vital. A swimming pool would be nice, too, for times when I don't want to swim in salt water, or when I want to swim, but the danger of sharks and/or barracudas is presently too high."

"I'd like to see a nice, classy gazebo behind the house, myself," Patti said, "I always thought a gazebo, or some other kind of overhang, is necessary for an outdoors romantic evening. And I agree with Larry's idea of a good-sized deck to sun on."

"As for the house itself," said Larry, "I'd like it to have as many amenities as possible inside, but I also want it to look quaint on the outside, if possible. An old-fashioned, classy house looks much more stylish than a modern, techno home that looks like it's made of clunky steel or dirty concrete."

"Our budget is between one million and one and three-quarters million dollars," said Patti.

"We're looking for a really nice place, and I'd like for it to have the best possible furniture, too," said Larry, "We'll probably bring in our own, since I have great taste in the quaint and romantic."

"I'll see what I can do," said Chris.

While Chris gets a head start on looking for islands that could fit Larry's wish list, Larry will have to say goodbye to Patti's convenient but unromantic apartment as he and his girlfriend travel south of mainland Florida to the Keys. But first, they have to pack their bags.

"I bet you're lookin' forward to sunning yourself topless on my dream deck, aren't ya, baby?" Larry said to Patti.

Patti smiled. "Larry, with you, almost any beautiful girl would be willing to sunbathe naked."

When we return, Chris will meet with Larry and Patti somewhere in the Keys to take a look at Island #1.


	2. Island 1: Wage Key

**A/N:** Even though this story takes place in the Florida Keys, for the sake of imagination, fiction, and not messing with the realities of the true Florida Keys and its residents, all three islands in this story and their names are made up for the fanfic.

* * *

 **Island #1: Wage Key**

Chris, our expert in real estate in private islands, takes Larry and Patti to the first island.

"Welcome, Larry and Patti, to Wage Key," said Chris to the two buyers. "The price is at $1,500,000, and the islands' house is at 1,000 square feet."

"Mmm," said Patti, "I like the look of those treetops. It almost looks like monkeys could live in them happily."

"Well," said Chris, "there are no monkeys indigenous to North America, so I can't do anything about bringing primates here."

"Is this real grass or artificial turf?" asked Larry, gesturing to the ground near the house.

"It's a little of both," said Chris. "To your right is the real grass, and to the left over there is the turf. If you don't like artificial turf on an island, you can have it removed."

"That's good to hear, Chris," said Larry, "Artificial turf so doesn't belong on a tropical island."

"Let's check the house next," suggested Chris. They walked up to the front door and walked inside.

Inside, the buyers could see that the two-story house was made of sturdy wood, with a stone fireplace in the living room.

"This is a beautiful living room!" said Patti, "I can see Larry and I watching a nice, romantic movie together on that couch."

"I agree, Patti," said Larry dreamily, "Even though we'd have our own couch, not this one."

"This house comes with all the appropriate amenities," said Chris, "There's room enough for most kinds of furniture in the living room, and the island gets cable and wi-fi for watching many television stations and surfing the internet."

"This place gets power from the mainland?" asked Patti.

"Yes, it does," confirmed Chris. "Underwater cables provide all the electricity you need."

"The internet's very useful," said Larry, "But I'd prefer surfing in the ocean. It's a unique pleasure riding the waves with nothing but a board and some daring."

"Even though you always wipe out, Larry?" said Patti with a twinkle in her eye.

"Ugh," said Larry, blushing, "Well, yeah, I do fall in the water a lot."

"Why don't we check the kitchen, bedroom and bathroom next?" said Chris.

"Sure," said Larry and Patti. Chris led them into the kitchen.

"As you can see, the first floor has an open floor plan," explained Chris. "The living room opens up to the kitchen, and so does the dining room."

"Interesting," said Larry, "I like the look of that little bar there. Would it be possible to have a butler or other servant serve at that bar if we get this island?"

"I suppose, if you can afford him, or her," said Chris, "Anything else catch your eye in here?"

"Well, I don't know about the open floor plan, personally," Larry said, "If I'm preparing a meal, or a drink, for a lovely lady, I like to make it a surprise, and an open floor plan would make that almost impossible. It doesn't serve to prepare a surprise if you can't use it, you know."

"But I like the dining room table," said Patti, "It can be increased or decreased in size, meaning that it can fit anywhere from six to just two."

"Yeah, that's a plus," said Larry.

"And I like this center counter in the kitchen, too," Patti continued, "I don't like to look at the wall if I'm cooking food or pouring a drink of wine."

"Okay, then," said Chris, "Well, shall we go upstairs, where I can show you the bedroom and its adjoining bathroom?"

"Sure," said Larry and Patti.

They went upstairs, where a small, but cozy, bedroom awaited them.

"This is the bedroom," said Chris. "This is a one-bedroom house, by the way, but if there was a problem, or a break-up between lovers, the couch in the living room downstairs unfolds into an extra bed. As you can see, we've got small but convenient space for a dating or married couple to move around in, and although the room may seem too small for this, even a king-size bed can fit in here comfortably, at least, if it faces in that direction." He gestured to the bed, with its head against the opposite wall, and its tail stopping a few feet from the doorway.

"Hmm," said Larry, "It looks kinda nice, but I don't like to have my love nest take place in such a compact space like this. I love king-size beds, but I think I'd want the choice of where to put one, and which direction to face it, too."

"I have to agree with Larry," said Patti, "I like to move around a lot in bed, whether I'm asleep or awake. And the space needed for dressers and other amenities wouldn't leave a lot of extra room to walk around on, either, not to mention space to kiss before getting on the bed."

"Yes, well, I guess a bedroom is more than just a bedroom for you two," said Chris.

Larry and Patti laughed. "You bet it is, Chris!" said Larry.

"Well, how about the bathroom over here?" asked Chris. "Many couples like to get romantic in bathrooms, too."

"Yes, that's true," said Patti, "Let's see it."

They walked to the main bathroom that connected to the bedroom.

"We've got a cabinet behind this vanity mirror to keep cosmetics and medicines in," said Chris, pointing out the mirror, "The toilet is in good working order, too."

"That's a relief," said Larry, "I've been in some really stinkin' bathrooms in my time!"

Chris chuckled uneasily. "But perhaps you'll be most interested in this bathtub, just right for two people to enjoy at once, and this walk-in shower with a handheld shower head."

"I _love_ baths!" said Patti, "And from what I've heard, some of Larry's past girlfriends did, too."

"And this shower looks like it's really handy for getting off all the dirt from playing and working on the island," said Larry. "But the bath is the best part of the bathroom, I agree."

"Okay, then, what do you say we take a look outside the house now?" Chris said, "I know you're going to find some good things on it, particularly in the back."

"Well then let's see it!" said Patti enthusiastically.

Outside, in the back, Chris said, "Now I'm afraid this island doesn't have a separate guest house, just like it doesn't have an extra bedroom, but back here, it does have its own spacious deck, something I know you were interested in."

"Wow!" said Larry and Patti, looking with awe at the deck before their eyes.

"It's so _big!_ " said Patti. "I could set up a nice suntan session here and provide myself with lots of books and a computer to have extra fun here while doing so!"

"And I could actually enjoy my software programming job while watching the view!" said Larry.

"That's good to hear," said Chris, "As you can see, you get a beautiful view of the ocean, too, and if you like a little extra scenery, there's some very tiny islands over there too small for people to live on, and sometimes some sea birds frequent them."

"Oh, yeah," said Larry, "Well, I'll enjoy _that_ view, too."

Chris frowned. "What do you mean, Larry?"

Larry blushed, suddenly self-conscious.

Patti snickered. "When he was speaking before, he meant the view of me sunbathing. He _really_ enjoys the sight of beautiful women, you see."

"Here, check this out," Chris invited them to check out the beach.

"It's great," said Larry, "White sand, clear waves, lots of crabs… I think the only minus for the beach is all those mangroves off to the left-hand side."

"Yes, I can't do anything about that, I'm afraid," said Chris, "It's illegal to remove most of the mangroves in this part of the country."

Patti had taken off her sandals. "The sand sure feels soft. Ideal for playing in, if Larry ever has children."

Larry stuttered. "I… I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that yet, Patti."

"But Larry, you're in your early 40s," said Patti, "I think 40 is a reasonable time to have kids."

"Yeah but, Patti, I think I'd make a better uncle figure than a father figure, frankly," said Larry. "I do have a nephew in Larry Lovage, remember?"

"Well, yes, but…" started Patti, "Oh well, all right. But I imagine Larry Lovage might love this place too, you know. If we buy it, it'd be only reasonable to invite him sometimes."

"Of course I'll invite him, Patti," insisted Larry, "What d'ya think I am, stupid?"

Patti blinked, then laughed. "Yes! But that's one of the things I love about you. Don't you know that?"

Larry was finally speechless. Chris decided to take advantage of the moment.

"There's one last original thing I have to show you on the island," he said. He led them back to the deck and down a very short path, where there was an elevated swimming pool with a ladder.

"Oh good!" said Larry, "It has a swimming pool. But I'm not sure if I like climbing up to the top of the pool and clambering back down every time I want to use it. I like to just dive in."

"I don't mind the climbing so much," said Patti, "But since this is first and foremost Larry's choice for a private island, I'll let him decide."

"So, what do you think overall?" Chris inquired of them.

"It's a nice house," said Larry, "I didn't like the open floor plan on the first floor much, and the bedroom could've been a little bit roomier, but the main bathroom is excellent, and I like that it has many good amenities, like I wanted. The deck is superb, and the yard is nice, even with the artificial turf, and the beach is pretty good, but the swimming pool leaves a little bit to be desired."

"I don't have as much of a problem with some of those things as Larry does," said Patti, "But I agree, it isn't perfect. It doesn't have the gazebo I wanted, for example. I'm also not sure if it looks as quaint from the outside as Larry wanted."

"No, I forgot to mention that, it doesn't," said Larry.

"But another plus is that it fits our budget," said Patti, "And $250,000 leftover is probably more than enough to get some nice, romantic furniture in here."

"It's good, but not perfect, and I need for it to be as close to perfect as possible," said Larry. "I wanna impress the ladies as well as myself."

"Don't we all?" said Chris with surprising sincerity. "Well then, let's go and look at another island, and see if it comes closer to your criteria."

"Will do," said Larry.

"Me too," said Patti.

* * *

On Island #2, Larry finds an island that is more quaint and down to earth, not to mention well under budget.

"She's _beautiful!"_

But it lacks some of the amenities he likes, and it also doesn't have a deck, _or_ a large beach, though it _does_ have a gazebo, something Patti wanted.

"I don't know how we'll easily use our computer here."

"At least we can have a nice outdoor 'honeymoon.'"


	3. Island 2: Porpoise-ful Waves Key

**Island #2: Porpoise-ful Waves Key**

Here, in the southeastern United States, south of Florida, the Florida Keys stand out as a beacon to those who would like a private island getaway to crash on. Islands make great homes for people who want to get away from it all, but they're also very expensive, meaning that in most cases, only the rich can afford them.

The islands are also not very plentiful, which contributes to their prices, and only so many can go to folks who wish to have one. And this is something that Larry Laffer, software designer and swinger, and his on/off girlfriend Passionate Patti, realize, but they are still choosey about which island to go for.

So far, they've checked out Island #1, Wage Key, a spacious island with a big, spacious house, full of modern amenities that both Larry and Patti love.

"This place gets power from the mainland?"

"Yes, it does. Underwater cables provide all the electricity you need."

It also has a beautiful beach, complete with sand, waves, live crabs, and mangroves, and a large deck that both lovers are ecstatic about.

"It's so _big!_ I could set up a nice suntan session here and provide myself with lots of books and a computer to have extra fun here while doing so!"

But they're not so sold on a few other things. Larry dislikes the elevated swimming pool and the compact main bedroom, while Patti is disappointed that the island doesn't have a guesthouse or a gazebo.

"It looks kinda nice, but I don't like to have my love nest take place in such a compact space like this."

"…I agree, it isn't perfect. It doesn't have the gazebo I wanted, for example."

Now, Chris is taking Larry and Patti to a second potential island home in Porpoise-ful Waves Key, a smaller island, with a more quaint house and a simpler appearance, as Larry was hoping for.

* * *

"So here we are at Porpoise-ful Waves Key," said Chris, "It leans closer to your desire for a laid-back type of island."

Larry and Patti gave the borders of the island a general appraisal.

"Looks good, Chris," said Larry, "I'm loving it already."

"Me too," said Patti, "It's the right kind of place to go to get away from civilization."

"And since this island and its house are smaller," continued Chris, "the budget is even less than that for Wage Key: only $950,000 dollars."

"Excellent!" said Larry. "I could afford all kinds of add-ons with the money left over!"

"Now come this way, please," said Chris, "I want to show you the house and what sorts of things make it stand out from the one at Wage Key."

"I'm game," said Patti.

"Same here," said Larry.

Chris led them down a path through some small but well-cared-for gardens on either side.

"Ooh, nice gardens," said Patti cheerfully.

"Do they come with the island?" asked Larry.

"Yes, they do," confirmed Chris. "Of course, unless you can afford to hire a gardener, you'll have to take care of them yourselves, but they're there to make the island extra attractive."

"Well good," said Patti. "That's nice to hear."

"Now, here's the house," said Chris, leading them to a small, wooden house that looked it dated back from before or during Colonial times, like island natives had built it.

"It's kind of like a similar house on another Keys island, Dolphin Jump Key," said Chris. "It doesn't get electrical power from the mainland, I'm afraid, but inside, it's a complete house, and it still gets power, just not from electricity."

"She's _beautiful!"_ remarked Patti.

"Is that water drainage up there?" asked Larry, pointing to the house's gutters.

"Yes, they are," said Chris, "And they contribute to the island's power, because Porpoise-ful Waves Key gets its power from the wind and the water, as you may have noticed that windmill behind and off to the side of the house."

"Oh, yeah," said Larry understandingly, "But I don't know how that's going to help us with our electronics."

"No," agreed Patti, "I don't know how we'll easily use our computer here."

"Want to check the inside of the house before you decide?" offered Chris.

"Sure, why not?" said Patti.

"I'd like to," said Larry.

Inside, everything looked kind of… primitive to Larry and Patti.

"How do you run the kitchen's oven and stove, incidentally," asked Larry, "if there's no electricity?"

"The stove and oven are separate from the wind and water power," explained Chris. "The oven has to be stoked, like an old-fashioned oven, and the stove is a gas stove."

Larry blinked. "I think I might have a little problem 'stoking' an oven and/or lighting a gas stove every day. I might get us in an accident."

"Hey, don't worry about that, Larry," said Patti, "I can help you with that if we get this island."

"Thanks, Patti," said Larry, grinning, "You're the best."

"I like the look of these chairs and that table, though," said Patti, referring to the kitchen table and chairs. "They have a nice, rustic look to them, and they're probably comfortable enough, too." She sat down in one of the chairs.

"Yup," she confirmed, "The chairs are just fine, and the table probably is, too."

"Yes, they are," said Chris, "Those chairs and table may look old, but they're still almost as strong as they were when they were brand new. Why don't we check another room, now, like the living room, and then the bedroom?"

"Why not?" said Larry, "I'd love to see them."

"Now, does this look like something you would enjoy?" Chris waved his arm at the living room of the small house.

"Well," said Larry, "There's nothing decorative or luxurious here… But I suppose that the simple furniture could create a whole different kind of romantic atmosphere here. Some of my past girlfriends might like it here if they saw it."

"There's no TV," said Patti. "If we got a television," she asked Chris, "would it work with this island's version of providing power?"

"Unless the wind and water levels were down and the power level getting weak, yes, I believe a TV could be used here, though not likely a very high-tech one, like Apple or Samsung."

"Good enough for me," said Larry, smiling.

"Same with me," said Patti. "We don't need the highest technology to be happy on an island like this."

"All right, then," said Chris, "Now how about the bedroom?"

"Yeah, let's check that out, too," they both said in unison. Chris led them to a small room with two bunk beds, a nightstand, a closet, and not much else.

"Bunk beds?" said Larry disbelievingly, "You've gotta be kidding me! It would be pretty tricky to be romantic with a lady in a bed this size. And I think most of the lovely ladies would agree with me!"

"Maybe a little tricky, yeah," Patti partly agreed. "But with bunk beds, at least if a date, or a romantic evening, didn't work out, you and your date would have separate beds to sleep in."

 _"That's_ encouraging," said Larry sarcastically, "Especially since most disgruntled ladies would want us to sleep in separate _rooms,_ and not just separate beds."

"Are there any other beds in this house?" asked Patti.

"I'm afraid not," said Chris, "Although if you buy this island, you could add an extra bed, or a fold-out couch, if you wanted to."

"Yeah, we could do that, I guess," said Larry.

"Come on," said Chris, "I'll show you what else is outside the house."

"Oh great!" they said, once again in unison.

Outside, Chris showed them a couple of other buildings that came with the island.

"I meant to tell you," said Chris, "The bathroom is outside the house, over here." He pointed to a medium-sized outhouse-like building. "It has an outdoor shower over here."

"Hmm," said Patti, "That's not very private."

"True," said Larry, "But it would mean a great view for a lucky guy like me, you know!"

"There you go again, Larry!" said Patti. "I love you, but if I'm going to take showers outdoors, I'm not going to do it just to put on a show for people."

"But I thought you loved doing that," said Larry.

"I do," said Patti, "But unless I'm having sex with somebody I love, I prefer to concentrate primarily on getting myself clean in a shower, not posing for Playboy."

"I think I'll get my opportunity yet, baby," said Larry, as if trying to be cute.

Patti smirked sarcastically at him.

"Well, anyway," said Chris, trying to get back to the subject at hand, "The toilet is inside that door up the steps, and there's a sink in there, too. Don't worry, the inside of the bathroom is cleaner and better cared for than it might appear at first glance."

Larry and Patti peered in. "I see what you mean," said Larry. "Looks very clean to me."

"Yes, I think so, too," said Patti. "How about that other building? Is it what I think it is?"

"If you think it's a gazebo, yes," said Chris. "Like most gazebos, it's hexagonal, there's roomy space inside of it, a table with chairs, and the windows filter out the mosquitos and other insects. It's a feature you don't very often find on the Florida Keys."

"Well, that's one excellent thing about this island," said Patti to Larry. "At least we can have a nice outdoor 'honeymoon.'"

"You mean if nothing else is excellent?" said Larry.

"Something like that," said Patti.

"Come on," said Chris, "There's one more thing I want to show you."

He led them down another path to the rear of the island, where a little beach was sitting, as well as a nice view of the clear ocean water.

"I'll bet you'd like this," he said.

Larry was confused. "Like what?"

"Well," said Chris, "the water back here is crystal clear. It's a nice place to relax and watch the smaller fish swim around in, not to mention the seaweed and other underwater plants down there."

"Yes, that _is_ pretty," agreed Patti.

"Yeah," said Larry, "But it's not much of a beach if you ask me. The water's great to look at and for swimming, and it's easier to tell if sharks are nearby, but I like to have a nice, open space where I can lay down and spread out. And another thing: doesn't this island have a deck?"

"No, I'm afraid not, Mr. Laffer," said Chris, "There isn't room to build one behind the house anywhere, and anyway, most private construction is not allowed on the majority of the Keys."

"Oh. Bummer," said Larry.

"So what do you think overall?" asked Chris.

"I love the gardens in the front of the island," said Patti, "And the living room and kitchen are great, too. It'd be fun to cook our food the old-fashioned way for a while."

"I agree with Patti on most of those things," said Larry, "And I love the outdoor shower and bathroom, too, as long as we don't have to use them much during hurricane season. The water is beautiful, too. I could see the beautiful women's bodies with no problem at all."

"But I must admit," said Patti, "that the lack of a deck and an expansive beach detracts from the enjoyment of the island. And I think you forgot to mention this to us, but it looks like the island lacks a swimming pool, too."

"Yeah, I almost forgot that, too," said Larry.

"Yes, it's true that there's no pool," admitted Chris. "But since we all know that the water is easily see-through, it might be safe to swim there any time the weather is calm."

"True," said Larry. "But there were a couple other downsides, as well. I didn't like that little bedroom, and I disliked the bunk beds even more. The bedroom in the house on Wage Key, for its flaws, was still comparatively better than this one. And the lack of electrical power bothers me a little bit, too. I like a quaint island, but not too quaint."

"But it did have a couple other upsides," said Chris. "Patti liked the gazebo, a rare find on private islands, and I assumed you did too. And the island is well under your budget, too, at $950,000, remember?"

"I didn't say it has no upsides," said Larry, "There _are_ some things I like about it. But I think I need to broaden my horizons a little bit more before I make a decision."

"Okay," said Chris, "Well, we have one more island to offer you, and I think you might like the compromise it offers you."

"A compromise?" said Larry. "Sure, why not? Larry Laffer's always willing to compromise when necessary."

"Yeah, I'll come along, too," said Patti, "I'd like to see this third island, too."

* * *

On Island #3, Chris tries to show Larry and Patti a balance between modernism and old-fashioned.

"Now _that's_ something I've been looking for!"

"Nice chandeliers, Chris."

"It sure isn't cheap, though."


End file.
